By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor
For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.
Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.
Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."
So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:
• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.
Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.
• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.
Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.
• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.
• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.
• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?
Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.
• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!
• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.
• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.
So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.
• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.
The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?
• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.
• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Inn at Wildwood: Play golf or hike, fish and swim among yellow-billed cuckoos
The Inn at Wildwood is a Florida golf resort that is within reach of a myriad of outdoor activities on Florida's "Forgotten Coast."
CRAWFORDVILLE, Fla. - The Inn at Wildwood advertises itself as an "eco-friendly, nature-based lodge" and that's obvious from the start, both from its wooded location, so close to the Gulf of Mexico and a variety of freshwater and brackish rivers, and the fact that they let you know at check-in there's a $200 fine for smoking in your room.
It's 30 minutes south of Tallahassee, which puts you in one of the last, relatively undeveloped areas of Florida. It's sometimes referred to as the "Forgotten Coast."
The inn itself is clean and comfortable, with a fitness center, pool and tennis courts, and of course the golf course, Wildwood Country Club, but the real attraction here is the surrounding nature areas.
There are all sorts of excursions on nearby rivers, like the Econfina, Ochlockonee and Wakulla, as well as Apalachee Bay: riverboat and sunset cruises in nearby Sopchoppy, a variety of hikes and recreational pursuits like world-class fishing, hiking, biking, kayaking, diving and horseback riding.
No neon here; this is a relatively isolated, low-key inn in a county overwhelmingly made up of state parks and national forests. You come here to get into the woods while being comfortable. The hotel is surrounded by more than a thousand square miles of protected land, and the staff will set up an excursion for you.
If you're a nature enthusiast, in addition to being a golfer, there are a lot of options. The Wakulla Springs State Park has one of the largest and deepest freshwater springs in the world, bubbling up from the deep with some of the cleanest, purest water on earth.
The park has daily guided riverboat tours and glass-bottom boats when the water is clear. Wakulla Springs Lodge was built in 1937 and is a National Natural Landmark.
Much better for the bird enthusiast is the St. Marks National Wildlife Refuge, established back in the 1930s as a winter habitat for migrating birds. This refuge has some of the best bird watching in the country, a place where you can spot exotic species like yellow-billed cuckoos, snow geese, loons and purple gallinules - the bird that I have personally designated as the most beautiful bird in Florida.
The refuge is a huge place you can get lost in: 68,000 acres along the Gulf Coast, including coastal marshes, islands, tidal creeks and estuaries of seven North Florida rivers. The St. Marks lighthouse is still in use today.
The Apalachicola National Forest is the largest national forest in Florida and home to the endangered, red-cockaded woodpecker.
If you're a hiker, the national forest encompasses 70 miles of the Florida Trail, some of the most remote hiking in Florida.
If you'd rather glide over the rivers, some of the prettiest in the country, there is the Wakulla River canoe trail where you can spot manatee, otters, alligators and more. Try the Hideaway Rental at the U.S. 98 bridge over the Wakulla Rover - you can't miss it. They rent kayaks, including fishing kayaks, and canoes. The manatee season runs from April through October.
There are also birding and wildlife tours, history, archaeology and geology tours and nature photography trail rides.
Then there is the fishing - which seems to go together with many golfers. Your best bet around here is probably light tackle fishing for speckled sea trout on the grass flats from Ochlocknee to the Aucilla River. This is a beautiful stretch with few houses along the coastline, a rarity for Florida.
You can also try for redfish along the marsh grasses and oyster bars, and up in the creeks, cobia, often mistaken for sharks, and tarpon, one of the classic, all-time fighters, can be found. Tarpon season is from the first of June through the end of August.
Of course, you'll want to get comfortable after a long day of outdoor exertion. The inn has a variety of rooms, all with free, high-speed Internet.
The double queen is designed for families and has the most sleeping space. There is also the king and queen suite, the king sleeper suite with a pull-out sofa/sleeper couch and the executive suite, more than twice the size of the regular suites. It has a garden Jacuzzi tub, king sleigh bed, leather sofa and love seats, and a view of the golf course.
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